'When I was about six years old, I received an essential teaching from an old woman sitting in the sun. I was walking by her house one day feeling lonely, unloved, and mad, kicking anything I could find. Laughing, she said to me, “Little girl, don’t you go letting life harden your heart.”
Right there, I received this pith instruction: we can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice.'
--Pema Chodron from page 20 of The Pocket Pema Chodron
9 comments:
I remember reading this story in Pema's book. We get to choose but the choice can be hard when we are armed with the tools our families handed to us. I keep right on trying. It seems like your doing a good job at it.
Thanks, Linda--it's ongoing as you know :-) trying is all we can do! It's been a long hard slog to get to this point. Growing up I continuously learned how not to live. The anger, fear, and pain took time to work through. Understanding I had a choice took longer still, as did acceptance of the fact that the crap will always be with me and a part of me and I will always have to be aware of how that colours my reaction to things. But hard as it sometimes is, it's so worth it and much better than denial, futile attempts to bury the pain, or lashing out, which were the examples I had growing up. I didn't understand what was possible or what I did want decades ago, but I knew I didn't want that.
The other thing I had to accept was that there would never be a point at which I would say, 'OK, that's done now.' The work is ongoing and will only end when I do.
Awww. Sweet
I like her so much!
Dear Shari,
When I was a little child in Vienna it was kind of difficult to be redheaded. There were still plenty of vulgar old mockery rhymes about redheads. I had to cry a lot about it. My father, from whom I inherited the red hair, said to me at the time: "You have to get hard skin." I didn't know how to do it. I learned it in the course of life. And sometimes it was important to have that hard skin. Sometimes it was good to stay open and show my own vulnerability. I think it always remains to weigh up what is the right way to go. Sometimes like this; sometimes like that.
All the best!
Traude
https://rostrose.blogspot.com/2021/11/italien-reisebericht-ein-paar-kleine.html
I'm sorry you were subjected to mean treatment. That stinks. When I was a kid, an older boy was bullying me on the way home from school. I told my father, who told me to punch him in the nose next time, so I did. I don't think I broke it, but he had quite a bloody nose! He never bothered me again.
I think that the author wouldn't disagree with you about situational reactions. I think she would say that it definitely is important to have boundaries and to protect ourselves, but that it is possible to do that without lashing out and harming others (she wouldn't recommend the punch in the face, for example!). It's a fine line and one I had to work hard to learn, because growing up, I was taught by example that self-protection can be nasty and harmful, both to others and oneself. Now I can have compassion for someone while at the same time protecting myself. Sometimes the latter includes removing the harmful people from my life, as I did with my parents. This was a more compassionate and healthier option for myself and for them, because the relationship was toxic.
I agree with you that different responses are required in different situations!
Dear Shari,
I think the boy deserved the bloody nose ;-) But just like you say, it's a fine line. As an adult, you are not allowed to defend yourself against bullying by hitting someone anyway, you need other means ;-)
Yes, sometimes we have to part with people who are not good for us. It is sad when the relationship with one's own parents is toxic, but unfortunately it happens. I think most people have to work hard at some point in their lives to learn to assert themselves or to lead a life in which they can largely feel comfortable. Some never learn it, and in my experience these are often the people who had it "too easy" as young people and who haven't learned to muddle their way out of unhappy situations ... What do you think?
Warm greetings to you,
from the new grandma Traude 😊👶🏼👵🏻
https://rostrose.blogspot.com/2021/11/mit-tina-und-goga-durch-wien-teil-2.html
You're right! It's not easy for some of us to be comfortable in our own skin and it takes work! It's so worth it though!
Congratulations Grandma! I'm so happy for you!
Post a Comment