On January 1, 1996, I woke up feeling like crap. This wasn't unusual from either group or personal perspectives. Countless people woke up with hangovers on that day and for me, while it was less common than it had been over the previous 15 years or so, it still happened. Funnily enough, I hadn't consumed nearly as much alcohol as I had on so many other occasions, but I also hadn't eaten very much, so that probably had something to do with the sad state I was in. This time, though, something had shifted and I thought to myself, 'This is so stupid. I'm not doing this anymore.' And I didn't. I was lucky. Somehow I was able to really focus on how I was feeling and associate that with my behaviour around booze, so I actually felt repulsed by the idea of having a drink, instead of having to deal with cravings and the difficulties that come with recovery. Having just a drink or two was never going to be an option, because I knew myself well enough to know that if I started, I wasn't going to stop there, so I just never started--and never wanted to. I went on with my life. Then we moved to Ireland.
Shortly after we got here, we met up with a woman we'd been corresponding with online for a while. Her husband is also from the US. She invited us to spend a couple days at their house, staying overnight. Before dinner, she asked us what we wanted to drink--wine, beer, something else. I opted for coffee. She asked me why I didn't want a drink and then asked if I drank at all. I said I didn't. 'Do you mind if I ask why?' she replied. 'I don't mind at all. I used to drink way too much, so I stopped.' I answered. Then she explained how she doesn't drink that much and only sometimes, and that sort of thing. I was taken aback. I really didn't care what her drinking habits were--she was in her home and not driving anywhere, so none of my business. I nodded, smiled, and probably made some meaningless remark.
A couple months later, our lovely neighbour invited me to her women-only birthday party, telling me not to bring anything except whatever I wanted to drink. It was summer, so I got some sparkling water with lemon. At the party, I sat between two older women. One was telling me her history about how she went to Chicago for a while to live with an aunt and uncle, arriving at Christmastime and being awed by all the lights and decorations. The other one occasionally made some comments that I found amusing, including that she'd seen us walking around with our backpacks and was so happy that her friend had respectable people as new neighbours. Eventually, she said to me, 'I notice that you're drinking water. Don't you want a drink?' 'No, thank you,' I replied, 'The water is perfect.' Then she asked me if I ever drink. I said I didn't. 'Do you mind if I ask why?' she said. My reply was the same as above. I started getting really interested in why I was being interrogated for my choice to not drink. I was even more interested in the story she told me about her nephew, who stopped drinking and then felt unable to engage in any social activities whatsoever, so never left his house. Then she went on to say, with her slurred speech and while waving the glass that held her 6th or 7th gin and tonic around, 'I've had three and I wouldn't have another if ya shot me for it. I know when I've had enough.'
I came across a book at the library not long after that--a memoir written by an Irish guy who started drinking to excess when a young teenager and who was, at the time of writing, in recovery. He talked about how hard it was to hang out with friends after he stopped drinking because everyone else was and usually to the point where they were drunk. This was at a time when non-drinkers didn't really have too many options in pubs and other such places. As he described it, pubs were where social life happened. People didn't visit each other in their homes, they met at pubs. Celebrations happened at pubs. First communion? Pub. Birthday? Pub. A day ending in 'y'? Pub. Everything was at the pubs. I found that book very useful. As we've lived for the last year near the loud bar and in this village where there are a lot of drunk people wandering the streets yelling, I have started thinking about another reason not drinking would make socializing difficult. It must be a very different experience yelling along to Zombie, slurring through some songs you don't know the words to during karaoke, whooping at the same old bad covers of bad country western songs, or doing a call and response version of Sweet Caroline on opposite ends of Main St when you're drunk than it is when sober. And the whole thing must seem boring and embarrassing if you're not toasted.
12 comments:
How interesting. I don't drink at all and people always question me as to WHY I don't drink. I never had anything until I was 21 and then I drank a warm beer and got sick-so,so sick...so I never wanted to repeat that experience...can't even stand the smell of beer now. Then, when I was 23 I drank something (that I drank too much of) and that also made me sick and that was it for me. I might have had an occasional glass of wine now and then just to celebrate with someone (although maybe only a sip or two and left the rest). I never found anything that tasted good to me AND I never liked being around people that drank too much. It never bothered/bothers me socially to be the only one not drinking. My husband was drinking when I married him and often drank way too much. He has not had a drink since our youngest son was born. He will be 44 this November. Loved this post, Shari.
I know what you mean. I never really think about not drinking until someone brings it up. I do find the defensiveness interesting. I should be used to it by now because it's the same sort of thing that used to happen when I was vegetarian and people would launch into a monologue about how they rarely ate meat. Also when I stopped driving and started walking --the level of disturbance this caused people was astounding! I never made a big deal about any of it, but others felt somehow bothered. I mean, you do you, as they say. I am not saying my choices should apply to everyone! 🙂
Good on J that he stopped drinking!
Rude person: Why aren’t you drinking?
Me: I am drinking.
RP: No, I mean why aren’t you having a drink?
Me: I prefer ________.
RP: Don’t you drink?
Me: No, I don’t care for alcoholic drinks.
RP: Why?
Me: I enjoy other beverages.
RP: expounds on their drinking likes and habits.
Me: Thank you for sharing that. Do you have a favorite soup? Or any other question on any other topic.
I try to be polite, but it is really not anyone’s concern. It is like asking, “Why aren’t you using steak sauce?”
I would not think of asking someone why he drinks. Why would one ask another why one does not drink? People… brenda
Well stated, Anon and Brenda :-) Don't people have anything else to worry about? I know I do--LOL
I can’t say that I have had these kinds of encounters. I am not a social drinker, but my wife and I love wine, and especially the combination of wine and food, one of the hallmarks of civilization in our world! We drink a couple of bottles a week and between two people that’s not a lot of wine, but a glass of chilled Sauvignon Blanc with a perfectly grilled filet of sole is to flirt with heaven! I think I just decided on dinner for tonight!
Oh goodness! Some people!
I agree with Brenda.
All the best Jan
It's always nice to have dinner sorted, David :-)
Jan--me, too! :-)
I have never asked someone why the do or don't drink, or smoke. That's just weird. When I was in my 20's my girlfriends and I would go dancing and I would either drink Little Kings or a mixed drink of orange juice and sloe gin. We never got drunk because we'd only have a few drinks each. We were more interested in dancing.
My drinking mostly took place at home for various reasons.
On the odd occasion I've had a toast on New Years Eve and I'm not talking about a glass, maybe an ounce if that... We usually got sparkling 'champagne' or similar with no alcohol content after that.
I don't drink, I don't like the cost, the way it changes people's behavior and communication etc etc. When it comes down to it the yeastiness of beer etc really bothers me. If anyone asks (few do), I say something like: 'Most fermented products make me nauseated and some even make me really sick, so the Dr just said to avoid it in future'. People kind of get surprised and say 'dang' or something like that and let it drop. After the mold exposure it was even more pronounced by the way so I didn't even bother with the fake stuff. Years ago I might have said 'oh I'm too cheap to pay that much to feel so sick' but then they just offer to cover one lol.
Maybe that idea would be helpful to someone if they want something to shut that conversation down lol. I know several people who don't like it beyond a few sips and don't attend 'drink-related' events. On a social level I think some people grew up 'going out to drinks with friends' but I never did because what kind of conversation or how much 'getting to know' anyone actually happens? We had the option of wine with Dinner when I lived in Europe, it was interesting on very cold winter nights, but as a rule I wasn't drawn to the things it did to people. Maybe the unnecessarily probative questions are part of that lol. Maybe they think you're going to say you're 'x years sober after joining AA' or whatever, but meh. If you never needed to go, there's no story.
It truly is the case that for many people, the idea of socializing without alcohol is simply unthinkable. Excessive drinking is part of the culture. That doesn't mean everyone does it, but it does make those who don't outliers in a way.
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