I've been reminded lately about how some things about our personalities and ways of being in the world are evident from a very young age. On this Halloween, I remembered a Halloween experience from many decades ago. I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I wouldn't have been beyond 5th grade, because I was walking home from elementary school (the school went up to 6th grade, but because I skipped 6th grade, my last year there was 5th grade). I was almost home and looking forward to trick-or-treating, when I was approached by some teenagers or possibly very young adults, who stopped me to ask, 'If you died tonight, are you sure you would go to heaven?' As far as I can recall, this was the first time I'd ever encountered people who adhered to that sort of Christian faith, but I was polite and answered them. I still laugh at my answer, which was, 'Well, no, I can't really be sure about that. How can anyone be sure that--or if--they will go anywhere after they die or know what will happen to them?' I was prepared to have a real conversation with these people, so the expression on their faces puzzled me and their answer seemed to consist of nothing much. They quickly realized that I was a waste of their time, I guess, because I was not delayed for very long and soon arrived home.
Fast forward a couple decades--still a time when we had landlines and when paid TV was called 'cable.' Since we haven't had paid TV since 1995 and no TV at all for over 15 years, I have no idea what it's called now or how it works. But at that time, the cable company offered a new music streaming service that allowed us to choose different music stations based on genre and scrolled the song and artist on the remote. We had this for a while, but eventually decided not to keep it. A month or two after we ended our subscription, I got a call from someone doing a survey about our experience with the service. I'm afraid that once again, I answered honestly and not within the acceptable script. After we'd been muddling through the guy's questions for a while, I could sense his growing agitation. My answer to the next question did the poor guy in. He asked me how much we'd be willing to pay for the service, which under the circumstances was a stupid question. However, I was polite when I answered, 'Obviously nothing, because we cancelled it.' I could hear his gritted teeth when he replied, 'Please just pick a number, ma'am.' I did and he very quickly thanked me (against his will, I'm sure) and ended the conversation.
I have never been good at superficial conversation, small talk, or choosing answers from a predetermined list. I mean, I politely do the first two, even if I find it tiring and I always have a running analysis going on in my head at the same time. As for the last one, sometimes, like when taking a test, if I know what the instructor wants the answer to be, I can just check off the right box. Even then, there's a part of my brain going through all the ways in which the answer is not really adequate. I'm not really good at fluff. I tend to get really interested in things and go way deeper than most people are interested in going. As I learn more about whatever the topic is, I find related issues to dive into and on it goes. I've been in conversations where people ask me something and I launch into a detailed answer that they were never interested in hearing. I'm not saying that having a superficial interest in some things is bad, just that I'm not built that way. I'm either very interested or hardly interested at all. I'm also not saying that polite small talk is bad--it's an important aspect of social interaction and I understand the useful purpose it serves. It's simply not my favorite thing. Once we moved here, it didn't take me long to come up with automatic answers to the ubiquitous weather commentary that cannot be avoided, although once in a great while I hear a new description besides, 'Not a bad day, is it?' or 'It's not raining, that's the important thing.' A few weeks ago we were on the bus home after being out in the wind and mizzle when someone got on and commented to another person, 'Tis a perishin' day out there.' He agreed that it was. It made a nice change from the ordinary.
I sometimes used to wish that I was better able to skim the surface of some things. Eventually I accepted that I'm not like that and I'm not going to change at this late date, barring some sort of brain injury. So now I embrace this part of myself. I gotta be me, although I still know how to put on my polite smile and play the game when that is required.
Happy Halloween, if you celebrate!
